A Journey of Resilience and Self-Discovery
Braden Smith, the right tackle for the Indianapolis Colts, has faced some of the most challenging moments in his life. Before last weekend's game, he felt the dark thoughts creeping back into his mind. This time, however, he managed to push them away. After missing the final five games of the previous season due to severe obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), which led him to contemplate suicide, Smith is now thriving again. He has learned how to cope with his condition and is once again focused on the joys of life.
“I felt very eager to prove something to myself,” Smith said. “Every day for me is really a victory because of everything that happened last year. Just being able to actually, truly enjoy life, there's kind of this power that's kind of harnessed when you're able to identify the problem.”
Understanding Religious Scrupulosity
Smith was diagnosed with religious scrupulosity, a condition driven by anxiety about engaging in actions that might offend God or be seen as blasphemous. It can lead to obsessive behaviors such as constant prayer or repeated repentance. For Smith, this meant striving for perfection in every aspect of his life. He started seeing a psychologist early in the season after telling his wife, Courtney, that he would retire at the end of the season if his condition didn’t improve.
In November, he checked into a mental health facility in Colorado, where he spent 48 days. When that proved only minimally helpful, Smith traveled to Mexico, where he used a psychoactive compound called ibogaine. Though not legal in the U.S., ibogaine has been used to treat addictions, post-traumatic stress disorder, traumatic brain injuries, anxiety, and depression.
This experience changed his life. “This is me versus my OCD,” Smith said. “I, kind of like I said, going back to my values, I know who I am and that's a big part of it. When I had OCD, I don't truly feel like I knew who I was, but I feel like I have a better idea of who I am now, and I can always lean on that.”
Focusing on the Present
The key to Smith’s recovery has been staying focused on the present and not letting his thoughts drift. At home, this new approach helped him accept that attempting to do the right things is good enough. On the field, it revived a once-promising career that had been derailed by injuries. He missed seven games in 2023 with various ailments and then missed the last five games in 2024 when he said he was “physically present but nowhere to be found.”
Now, Smith is playing the kind of football the Colts envisioned when they signed him to a four-year, $72.4 million contract extension in July 2021. Perhaps even better than the Pro Bowl level coaches thought he competed at prior to 2023, Smith and his teammates along the line have paved the way for a Colts team that has the NFL’s best record and top rusher. The team has also allowed the second-fewest sacks.
Support from the Team
Along the way, Smith has leaned on a strong supporting cast inside the locker room of a team that has invested heavily in “Kicking The Stigma,” a campaign to promote mental health awareness.
“I respect Braden Smith wholeheartedly, just for taking the time out for himself to really maximize his well-being, not only for himself, but for his family,” said cornerback Kenny Moore II. “I’ve had a lot of conversations with Braden through the time or probably post that time where he was going through a lot, and I just have a lot of respect and love as a brother and as a friend for my teammate.”
Looking Ahead
But as Smith knows, his battle is not over. Periodically, obsessive thoughts may return, and when they do, he has a plan. He’s not thinking ahead to next week, whether he’ll re-sign with Indy next year or even if he’ll be playing football next season. Instead, he’s learned how to stay focused on the present.
“I'm honestly grateful for last year because without it, I wouldn't have such a self-awareness of how I think, how I go about things,” he said. “I learned a lot about myself through it, and you know I'm a better husband because of it, a better father because of it, a better teammate and I'm continuing to grow as a person. My journey isn't over yet. I still have a lot of room to grow and learn, and I look forward to that.”